A bunch of crap. Read it or don't - I don't give a fuck. (GO JETS)

First things last, the Jets battle the stupid Browns this weekend. The Browns are surprising a lot of people as they are 7-5 and could be headed to the postseason. Derek Anderson, who was cast off by another team, has found a new home in Cleveland (mostly because my 5 year-old niece is a better professional quarterback than Charlie Frye) and is playing well. So well that the Browns have to figure out what to do with gay Brady Quinn, their number one draft choice. (I have to tell you, judging from those Subway commercials Quinn is in, he is has a lot to learn about how to act and throw. He throws those sandwiches like some stinkbox girl).

I think that Anderson is saying "BAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSSS" in the photo above.

Anyway, the Browns defense is crappy, so the Jets have a chance. However, the Browns' offense is fucking good, Mr. Anderson, Drug Dealing Jamal and B. Edwards at WR are legit threats, not to mention that dolt Winslow who almost killed himself on a fucking motorcycle. The Jets' defense is going to have to step it up big time, or their offense is. That being said, I think it is going to be close, and both teams are going to score some points. It is the Browns' game to lose though, because the Jets have nothing to lose and the Browns are playing for the playoffs. That means they are more likely to make the bed the color of their uniforms, as they say.

Interestingly, both Kellen Clemens and Derek Anderson are from Bumblefuck, Oregon (pronounced ORE-GON not ORE-GIN for those of you who are retarded). They actual battled in the Oregon State Playoffs and twice in college, where Clemens went to Oregon and Anderson went to Oregon State. Clemens only beat Anderson once, and Anderson's numbers were better overall. However, I think it is pretty cool that they are meeting up again in the NFL.

If I had the time (and talent) and didn't write all these gay blogs I would write a movie based on these two, or least based on 2 rival quarterbacks from bumblefuck towns in weird states that play in high school, college and eventually the pros and SuperBowl (just to make it interesting). In my movie, one of the QBs would be a fucking drunk, womanizing fuckhead but a great leader on the field. (I.e., the opposite of Eli Manning, who I will discuss later). The other QB will be a family guy who is also a great leader, but not a fucking drunken mess and womanizer. Basically it would be like Micky Mantle and Roger Maris, but they are on different teams. There would have to be a few scenes of them meeting (Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro in "Heat" style) but they would have to hate one another. The question is, who would play these two? I'm thinking Leonardo DiCaprio could play one of them (more on him later) and maybe Heath Ledger as the drunk quarterback, but I'm not sure how big Ledger is. You could always throw a girl in the mix, like sober QB is married to one of the stinkboxes drunk QB used to bang or something, but it might be better just to focus on the football. Maybe you have one of the drunk QB's teammates die and it changes him right before the playoffs start and he gets his shit together to make a run to the Super Bowl. I don't know, it's a work in progress. It would be funny, dramatic and action packed, with plenty of tits, trust me. I don't want Michael Bay directing it though, maybe somebody like Ridley Scott. (Like he would EVER!). For the coaches, maybe James Gandolfini for drunk QB (always yelling at him) and Ving Rhames for sober QB's coach. For the drunk QB's father you will strike box office gold if Jack Nicholson agrees to do it, and he's crazy enough he probably would. For the ladies, you have to find a spot for the Transformers girl and the cheerleader from the TV Show Friday Night Lights, Minka Kelly or something? She is a piece of ass.

Anyway, enough of that nonsense.

Let's going into the "Bag O' Crap" to see what other shit I have talk about today.

1. Rumor has it Leonardo DiCaprio is trying to be friends with his ex-girl Giselle (granted, the "rumor" part is something I learned while reading one of my wife's awful tabloid magazines while I was pinching a loaf earlier in the week). But it begs an interesting question, which would you rather be, a hall of fame quarterback who wins 4 superbowls or a world-famous actor? Granted, I am and will never be either, but whatever. The reasoning behind this question is straightforward, what gets you more glory (and ass).

Above is Tom Brady's girlfriend. Have I mentioned that he also knocked up an actress? Granted, the actress is okay, she's no Giselle, but she's still pretty good looking. Anyway, if you are a world famous QB then you have fame and fortune and ads but you are only "hot" for so many years. Granted, I'm sure Dan Marino still can get laid at will, but do you think Terry Bradshaw is banging as many chics as Jack Nicholson? It's not even close. I bet you that if it is between John Elway and Jack Nicholson for the girl below (who is apparently some sort of actress) that it's Jack in a heartbeat.

Granted, playing a sport and being awesome at it and being part of a team and winning championships would be fucking AWESOME. What's the super bowl of acting? Winning an Oscar. Big fucking deal. If little gay Italian dudes can win them then you aren't more of a man for winning one. A Super Bowl makes you a fucking man, because there are 300 lb guys looking to literally kill you on the field. Winning an Oscar meant you had to deal with catered food while you were "on location" for a few fucking weeks. Not to mention the fact, if you play a "mental" you are in the running to win an Oscar, when if you are a "mental" then you can't even play football. Wait, what the fuck am I talking about? Oh yeah, my point is, when it comes to ass, acting probably gets you more in the long run. Nobody give the fuck about some old quarterback, but an old actor can get a young actress a job just for blowing him.

Glory can go either way, but football has the opportunity for both personal and team glory, when acting is pretty much an individual thing. Plus, let's face it, sure, being an actor is sort of a gay job, even you have to "work out" for a role you have a personal trainer and you could be a super hero on the screen and a homo in real life. Plus you have to deal with crazy annoying people, whereas football is pretty cut and dry, either you are good or you're not, you get paid money, you don't have to worry about annoying or eclectic directors, producers, etc., "selling out" etc. I don't know, acting is an "easier" job I would say, especially because you don't usually run the risk of getting killed or paralyzed or not being able to walk when you are 50 (except of course if you are related to Bruce Lee) but football would be much more fun. Granted, when you are an actor you can do all sorts of drugs and drink and be crazy and you don't get "suspended" from acting. So that's cool. There are "cross-overs" like OJ Simpson and players can always be announcers and shit like that after they are done playing, but girls don't give a shit about the host of "Gameday Live" or else Chris Berman would have 10 illegitimate kids. So in the end, I would want to play football and have a nice run of women and glory (and I would be drunk a lot too, especially in the off-season). Acting is too much work and it could last forever. Plus the fucking paparazzi. I wish all the paparazzi would die horrible, awful deaths. They all blow.

2. Brooke Burke is still fucking hot.

I don't know how old she is, maybe she is in her 30s, which is like 120 in model years, but damn she is hot. I forget what she is famous for, maybe being on E! I think, and obviously modeling. But she is definitely the type of girl an actor/producer dates. She would be good for the best years of a football player's career too. For example, Tony Romo, Derek Anderson, Vince Young could probably bag Burke, but Chad Pennington wouldn't have a chance. He's probably kicking himself for not taking advantage of his starting status as far as poon-tang goes.

3. Did you know there is a third Manning child? His name is Cooper, and he is eldest of the three. He is the tallest in the photo below, and looks the goofiest. Peyton has a smug look on his face, and Eli, well, he looks cute to be honest (besides his awful clothes).

Cooper was an All-State WR and played on the same HS football team as Peyton, who was the QB. Of course, Cooper had 76 catches for over 12oo yards that year. Before he went to college he started having numbness in his hand and fingers and eventually he was diagnosed with spinal stenosis, which is a narrowing of the spinal canal. Basically, he had to get surgery, could never play football again and had to relearn how to walk. I think this story is interesting because was Archie Manning that fucking good at football? I mean, Christ, he was before my time but he almost got all of his sons to the NFL. Cooper is fine by the way, he makes money and lives in New Orleans with his wife and kids and blah blah blah. I have to be honest, I would have enjoyed seeing Peyton throw passes to his brother. That would have been a good story. Maybe the talent gene in the Manning family decreases with each child. Maybe Cooper was the best, Peyton is great, and Eli is like Danny DeVito in the "Twins" movie.

Speaking of Eli, rumor has it he screams like a girl when he is about to get sacked and every week he has to request new pants as his are stained with defecation from when is about to be hit. That's just a rumor I heard, it may or may not be true.

4. My furnance is 21 years old. It was just repaired (thanks to PSE and G's "Worry Free" Contract) and they said I will have to get a new one soon. This blows. They cost around 4-5 grand. The worst part is, if the "heat exchanger" cracks then carbon monoxide will poison my house and kill everyone inside. Yes, we have a CM alarm, but my family's life is going to depend on a fucking Duracel battery? It's a scary thought. I don't care about me, but I don't want anything happening to the rest of my family or my dog (Cat I could give or take). Fucking carbon monoxide. Bullshit.
4. On a serious note, another jerkoff stupid loser went on a shooting spree in Nebraska. This drives me so nuts I can't even take it. He wanted to "go out in style" and be "famous" according to news reports. Honestly, if I was related to one of the victims, I would sue NBC and the rest of the media outlets for making that stupid zip who shot up Virgina Tech famous by airing his "manifesto" last year. These crazy losers who can't get laid get guns and kill people, then they are proclaimed as the anti-Christ and any myspace, video, diary, etc. they write/shoot becomes their legacy and if you watch the news it is shoved down your throat and analyzed by experts and blah blah blah. It only enables the next stupid cunt to pick up his gun and "go out in style." SO I say sue the major networks for intentional infliction of emotional distress, something, just put it out there so maybe networks won't be so quick to make these psychos' "fame" last one second longer than after the bullet they shoot to kill themselves penetrates their skull. (Pussies, all of them, by the way). Who cares if it gets dismissed, they will have to pay lawyers to defend themselves and maybe something good will come out of it. I'm fucking serious about this. It has to stop.
Plus, as I've said before, can anyone learn something from Flight 93 during 9-11? Fight fucking back! Nobody wants to confront these fucks, who as long as they aren't shooting right at you aren't paying attention to one or two people. Use anything as weapons to try to stop these lunatics so more people don't get killed. I know it is easier said than done, but there is no other option.
Finally, all these kids need is to get laid or some fucking alcohol. That would help these stupid, loser geeks to stop writing about Satan in their notebooks or myspace pages and help them see that the world is a lot better than they think it is (at least until they get older and realize that it's not). Fuck their parents too, and their families. Asleep at the switch is an understatement.
6. Finally, I hate Rolling Stone magazine. My subscription runs out in February, but I may cancel it earlier. It's so ultra-liberal I just can't take it anymore. I'm not even conservative, but it drives me nuts! Anything anti-Bush or anti-government is awesome and the best. Movies, albums, artists all get great reviews if they are anti-Bush, pro-environment, etc. I mean, RS actually believes Bush caused 9-11. They also blame the entire war on drugs on the Bushes, when not for nothing, it was well engaged by the time Bush Jr. took over, so why not blame it on Clinton as well? Democrats can do NO wrong according to RS! It's so one-sided it is a joke. In their "Signs of the Apocalypse" article they cite the number one "sign" that Imus is going back on the air. This means the world is going to end. I have a question, what happened to free speech? Imus (and I don't like the guy and what he said was dumb, joke or not) apologized and did everything humanly possible to make amends and he still got fired. Now he is back, big fucking deal, don't listen to him! What a joke.
On a side note, and I'm ending on this, is that I had a buddy who I used to work with named Pat Charles. That was his whole fucking name. I loved that guy's name. He used to work for RS. We lost touch after we stopped working at Bennigan's together. I saw him while I was working at another restaurant and he was out to eat with friends and he told me once that he would send me some shit from RS. Two weeks later, true to his word, he sent me a few issues and a RS hat, which I still have to this day. The guy was a gentleman and a scholar. Anyway, ever since then, I wanted to name my pet or kid "Pat Charles" for a girl, "Patricia Charles" but alas, my wife won't let me. Needless to say, I don't think he works for RS anymore, so fuck those fucking assholes, they can go shit in a hat.
GO JETS!!!!!!!


Unruly Jets Fan said...

Holy fuck Fakehead...I am going to start charging you a fee. I feel like you are the patient and I am the counselor.

I feel that way, because I think I am the only one who reads your stuff. Although it is a shame if I am because your stuff is so fucking funny.

You had me cracking up three or four times. I think I would rather be an actor. They get much more girls. After Brady's career he will get married and settle down. DiCaprio will be for ever single. In fact, he is probably gay (at least I hope he is).

Brooke Burke is pretty hot.

How the hell do you know all these things about Cooper Manning??? He does sound pretty cool. I bet he is pissed he got spinal fripotosis.

Dude, PSEG is the bomb. They will come and fix your oven if you got the Worry Free Contract. And the fact that I know that just means I basically never have a shot at Brooke Burke.

They shooter from Omaha should be shot. What a fucking loser. I should sue CNN for showing that news clip.

Dude, Rolling Stone mag sounds like a fag mag.

I like SI but whenever I fucking order it it like runs out in a fucking week. And then I am too lazy to re-order up. They should just keep sending me it and bill me anyhow. I will pay the bill. I

Figgest said...


Faje headf has devoted more time and sp[ace to Eli and the Manning boys than even me. Keep it up! The Giants are 8-4 on your shit! Peyton is the one who shits himself and yells and screams at his teammates like a girl at her birthday party and no one is paying attention to her. Eli is more like a world-wide dignitary that sits at State dinners and when things go wrong, like Machiavelli, he is schemeing the best way to get out of it. NOT BLAMING. Eli is the man, bring back on the Cowfucks.

I read this blog every day, Iron Hills I am lost in the Colroado snowy wilderness.

tHE Browns are going to beat the Jets. Better O line which will neutralize the Jets newly-found strong suit, rushing the QB.

Rolling Stone is trash. Unless they interview Chris Cornell, I don't care. Tho pearl jam still kicks ass.

You guys are gay, and I'll be seeing you soon! Give me details on the football game!

FAKE said...

I played touch football today with some dudes in Caldwell and had a great time. Some of them were old but were in better shape than I will probably ever be in, ever.


I think we have at least 4 on 4, me, figs, figs cousins (2), dyl, seb, rup, unruly, mcmahon? van seg?

Let's discuss soon...


Anonymous said...

Fake, Rollingstone blows...for being so liberal and progressive they still treat Britney Spears like she is a legit artist and fall all over themselves everytime Al Gore starts going on and on about the rain forest, global warming, the wetlands or whatever. Fuck the planet Earth, it's going to burn up like a cinder when the sun goes supernova in like 5 billion years, so what's a little global warming...Fuck Jann Wener or whatever his fucking stupid name is for dumping his wife for a GUY. Subscribe to SPIN magazine...at least they review music, no politics and make fun of pop culture no talent soon to be dead on heroin and painkillers fucking Britney fucking Spears cunt ass stinkbox bitch...

Figsy said...

True story - Shaq is getting a divorce because his wife left him for her personal trainer....who is a woman. Doh! True insider NBA stuff from my friend who was a former pro ball player.

Hey Jets fans, you guys are headed in thew right direction. Cleveland is no longer a doormat. Maybe you guys will beat the Pats next week.....or Brady and Moss will set single season TD records on you. Brady's 5 away and Moss is 4. The Steelers were so stupid for talking shit. It was the first time this season I didn't mind seeing the Pats knock the crap out of someone.

G-men!!!! 9-4! Plax had a huge day out of nowhere, I was thinking they would be shutting him down for the season seeing as he has been playing on one leg. He's on the rebound and that means SO IS THE OFFENSE.

Where's all the shit talk on Manning today? What's that? He had no turnovers in a tough road win with a very banged up squad at a fully healthy nad fighting Philly Eagles team? Huh? Oh, that's hard to do? Where's the freaking credit? If you live to knock the guy, you at least have to acknowledge when he does good.

Unruler, you gotta see Jay Cutler. He is the fucking man with a howitzer arm. I haven't seen anyone zing passes into spots like this since I don't know when. he is going to be the real deal ladies. Pick him up for your fantasy squad next year. Him, WR Brandon Marshall and unbelieveavble pass-catching TE Tony Scheffler are all 2nd year players. Denver's got their offense for the next 5 years.

We need info on the football game! Borough, gazebo lawn?

Mr. Prestigous Giants Fan said...

Oh yeah, you guys named that dancing Jets bear Pat Charles when we were watching the Giants beat the Jets.

Was he dancing recently? Wht the Pat Charles resurfacing? He hasn't had too many occasions for that this season, has he?

fakey said...

I have to admit I like Britney's new song "You want a piece of me" I'd still bang her. ha ha ha

Seriously, Jets are fucking awful, draft a QB, fire the coaching staff (all of them) and let me and Unruly run the team (into the ground, but it would be fun while it lasted).

F the Pats and fine, Eli was adequate yesterday. Plaxico made the most of the balls that were thrown to him. And that was PASS INTERFERENCE on Mr. Airhorn Pierce on that last play. Of course, the route was too short anyway, but fucking the Eagles (except Brian Westbrook, he is the man).

Go Pat Charles!

Val Halla said...

giselle bundchen is reason enough to be good at football...even if she is unamerican piece of ass. just think - Tom Brady gets to bang her...and put up with her shit. isn't life grand?