12.03.2007

Goodbye No. 1 Draft Pick, Hello Integrity!

The Jets won a game yesterday, and I am fucking proud of them. As I have always said, I would take wins over playing for draft picks, I don't care if McFadden from ARK is available or not.


The Jets kicked some major ass yesterday, beating the Dolphins 40-13! They had three sacks (one by our boy Harris) and three interceptions (one by Rhodes - awesome read; and Revis, the rookie can play) and scored 4 offensive TDs. Who were these guys?

Let's start off with the man who inspires these bastards, LC. Coles played despite having an injury that would have kept most pussies out for two more weeks.




He had 5 catches for 69 yards, including a great 32 yard catch on a well thrown ball by Roger Clemens. Speaking of Clemens, the kid wasn't too shabby, going 15-24 for 236 yards with 1 TD and 1 INT. Granted, it's only the Dolphins, but it should give him some confidence going into a game next week (Cleveland) that is winnable.

The defense played great (Rhodes with his 4th INT) and showed some signs of life, thank God. My man Jonathan Vilma was on the sideline on crutches watching the team, which is good news for me, because maybe it means that he doesn't want to go anywhere next year. There has to be room for both him and Harris, and the defense would be much better with both of them on the field.

Finally, Jonesey finally FUCKING SCORED A TOUCHDOWN! I even started him on my fantasy football team because I had a feeling this would be the week. He carried the ball 24 times for 75 yards and a score. Thank Fucking God.

L Wash was great and a nice transition from Jonesy, running 10 times for 68 yards and two scores. I love that fucking guy. The best part about L Wash is that you can tell he loves to fucking play.

Ted Nugent has been much better, making the 17th of his last 18 FGs. But Ben Graham continued to be shitty, with two punts for less than 40 yards (1 26 yards and the other 35). Do we have to send this fuck back to Australia in a body bag? What the fuck? Maybe he should go back to that fucking island and play rugby with the rest of the convicts there. F him unless he punts better.

Other than that, as I Jets fan I cannot complain this week. Again, it was only the Dolphins, but still.

I would rather have the Jets win games then play for a fucking draft pick. I want to see them beat the Cunty Patriots in Foxboro and spoil their undefeated season. Of course, I know that is a pretty much a pipe dream. They will have to score 56 points to beat the Pats and sack Brady a bunch of times, and neither is likely to happen. But, I digress.

GO JETS!

OTHER, MORE INTERESTING STUFF...

1. The Giants - I don't think I need to rip into Eli Manning, the press in NY is doing a good enough job of that. But in the end, the guy woke up from his suck-induced coma and engineered a drive down the field at Soldier Field to win the game. I don't know why his head was so far up his ass the first 3 quarters but I can't fault the guy too much because he won the game on that last drive. Although, if it weren't for the Giants defense and Rex Grossman (in general) then the G-Men aren't even in that game. So, a victory is a victory for you Giants' fans, but the question remains, what is up with dude Eli? Is it because his name is so gay? Is he retarded? Sometimes I think he is, which is great for retarded people, because it shows you can be a QB in the NFL. He looks a little retarded, a little slow. I will call him "special" either way.

2. The Redskins - after the tragic loss of Sean Taylor they started the game on defense with 10 guys. I don't know whose idea that was, but it was fucking brilliant. Honestly, shit like that is why I like sports, the camaraderie, the teamsmanship (is that a word), the whole fox-hole mentality, I fucking love it. I love team sports and I feel bad for Taylor's family (although his stinkbox half-sister has some sort of link to the alleged perps, so F her). Of course, the 'Skins shit the bed and lost the game, which is a pretty lame send-off to ST, but what can you do. Unfortunately, dead players don't always spurn victories. (Although it did for Newark West Side, who won their state championship 20-0 (interestingly, the deceased player's number was 20). If it definitely helped teams win, I would kill Andre Dyson on the Jets, because it would improve the team and maybe help inspire them. Basically, it would be a win-win even if the Jets didn't win.

3. The word "Stinkbox" is probably one of the best made-up words ever. Or it at least holds a place in the top 5 if there is such a list. It is probably as offensive as the word "Cunt" but it doesn't pack such a punch, so you could try to get away with it every once and a while. I didn't make the word up, my buddy did, and he is like Stiffler from American Pie, so you can see how he could come up with such an awesome word. It is one of the many reasons why I look up to him.

Regardless, if you want to use the word to insult a girl without actually calling her an "SB" (another great way to mask the word, just call a girl an "SB", and they won't know what to do), ask her if she got her minor in "Stinkboxology" in college. That always gets them angry, but not as angry as if you actually called them a stinkbox.

4. It's almost Christmas, that means people want donations. A couple of days before Thanksgiving, I went to Wal-Mart and the fucking Salvation Army dude was there ringing his fucking bell. Well, I put a DOLLAR in his stupid bucket (which isn't a bucket anymore, it's a hanging plastic container with an opening the size of the a nun's twat) and the fucking stupid fuck of a "Santa" was shooting the shit with some other hillbilly and didn't see me put the dollar in. Feeling like Costanza, I actually stood by the container for about 7 seconds afterword with my hand near the opening so the "Santa" would see me and acknowledge me. However, the stupid shithead was talking to Bobby Joe or whatever the fuck the other guy's name was about probably fucking their sisters or the sale on Dale Earnheart stickers for their pickups and he never turned around. I went in and bought whatever it is I needed at that awful cheap store and came out and the fucking Santa was there and of course I had to pass him, and he said "Happy Thanksgiving" and looked right at me, I said "You too" and walked by without putting anything in the red twat. Then, shithead that I am, I forget to pick something up while in the store, so while I was there, I decided to go back in and get the item (I think it was a shower curtain or something). So I walked in past "Santa' again and he said "Happy Thanksgiving" again to me, so I said "Happy Thanksgiving" to him, without paying heed to the ringing bell or stupid fucking donation bucket. When I left I had to pass him again and he said "Happy Thanksgiving" again. I just shook my head at the guy and refused to put more money in his tight stinkbox. Either he was being a complete jerkoff and busting my balls, or maybe he was just a drunk stupid fuck who actually didn't remember saying Happy Thanksgiving to me 3 times.

The point of this story is that there is no point donating money if nobody sees you do it. Just fucking forget it. You know what that jerkoff Santa thinks of me? He thinks I am some cheap asshole in a suit who doesn't care about the Salvation Army. He probably thinks I am a jew too. Well, he is right about one thing, I don't give a flying fuck about the Salvation Army, but I ain't Jewish, and I do want people to think I give a shit, especially during the holidays, so I will give a few dollars here and there so as to avoid the appearance of being cheap and/or jewish. (Disclaimer: I'm kidding, not all Jewish people are cheap!)

5. Megan Fox from Transformers is hot, but crazy with all those tats.




Why doesn't she just carry around a fucking book with all those sayings. The easy joke would be to any guy LUCKY enough to get her naked, "Am I supposed to read you or fuck you?"

I'M HERE ALL THE TIME, DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR BARTENDERS!!!!!!!!

GO JETS!!!!!!

7 comments:

Figgy said...

Again, Faker, you rant with the best of them, but your fact checking is simply....ignored.

You say Eli is retarted. He got the highest Wonderlic score in the history of the test. He got 10 points higher than his brother. If you don't know what the Wonderlic tests is, they give you 50 questions to answer in 5 minutes. The questions range from basic reading and logic word questions to advanced mathematics. You have to get as many correct as you can within the time frame. NFL people are happy if you score in the 20's. Vince Young got a 6 on his test, which means he can hardly read and never went to a single class. Peyton Manning got a 28 and everyone raved. Eli got a 39. Highest score in the history of the test, which means he sees a problem and very quickly finds the solution. This ability is supposed to be a gauge on how well and fast you process information. However, the sum of question #22 doesn't just TURN THE WRONG WAY on a pass pattern. The numbers always do as they are supposed to, not like tempermental prima donna receivers in the NFL.

You can question his heart, his 'emotions', his athletic ability, his arm, his face - but you cannot question his brain. Go yell at Tony Dungy for not demenaning his players when they screw up, like that will make it any better.
Eli was in the midst of another bad game and what did he do? Hang his head? Quit? No. The defense kept giving him a chance and he responded big time. It takes a unique QB to let go of plays, to not let them linger on and ruin your whole day. Eli is summed up in one word: MOXIE.

He takes so much shit since the moment he was drafted and he puts it all aside and plays and wins. He is EASILY the most heavily-scutinized QB in the NFL. But the G-men are fighting through a tough stretch, gutting out some close games and are in the driver's seat for the #1 wild card in the NFC. It may not mean much, but I would like a rematch with Cowfucks or the Green Bay Fudgepackers. Minnesota is dangerous as hell right now but they will probably cool down in the next 5 weeks. I like them for the 2nd wild card. Tampa is a pretender and Seattle is looking good. I like how there is much less seperation betwen the AFC and NFC now. Aside form thje Pats and Colts I think the NFC top-5 could beat any of the AFC top 5.

Good job on your third win of the season. I would be really into McFadden if I was you guys. The Jets will pesky to everyone down the stretch.

I appreciated the Redskins 10-man tribute too. Shame on the Bills for taking a 20-yard gain on that play. That RB should have run 3 yards and taken a knee. Too bad Joe Gibbs is so old and detached that he forgot the rules and cost his team the game. It was that kind of aloofness that allowed Sean Taylor to be in Miami during game week anyway, and that got him killed. But he was stupid for living there if he was being threatened anyway.

Oh well, black guys seem only to hurt other black guys. Fucking ridiculous.

Your 'Costanza' moment was hilarious. Dude, your karma knows when you do stuff like that, you need not seek acknowledgement from anyone.

Unruly Jets Fan said...

Holmes, you are a fucking insane mother fucker. That story about the Salvation Army guy is the funniest thing I ever read. You are a fucking comedic genius.

As for the Jets, hey they came together. I love it.

Also, my buddy Rob told me that his punter just got picked up and is on the practice squad. And they don't just put punters on the practice squad.

He was actually competing these summer with Graham and was kicking 10 times better. I think Graham's days are numbered. It was a nice story but we need a fucking punter not Russel Crowe.

Unruly Jets Fan said...

How do you guys like the Titan's colors?

fakehead said...

Russell Crowe comment was fucking funny dude. I don't mind the Titans' colors but they are also called the Rams.

As for the long monologue about Eli, I wonder if Figs is going to like him as much when gets traded and is a back up in a couple of years. I was obviously kidding that the guy is retarded, but he looks like a lost puppy half the time they show him on the sideline. And hey, I gave him credit that he won the game, so I'm not totally busting his balls.

You can't blame Joe Gibbs for Taylor getting killed, the guy wanted to go home to Miami. As Will Smith once said, "I'm going to Miami"

Go Jets!

Mr. Parcells' penis cleaner said...

As Bill parcells once said, "Fuck that, you are staying with the team and getting treatment on your knee."

Anonymous said...

Fake - the best. Better than my rants on Fantasy Football which you also rule at. That chick is hot too and I like how you post "work friendly" hot chicks so I can get a quick spank in at work...God Bless You...

Val Halla said...

Megan Fox is unbelievable.

Those tats are ridiculous though - kinda like graffiti on a Van Gogh...why ruin a beautiful piece of art?