3.19.2007

Why Biff's Powers Would End Up Sucking....


Remember when Brittney Spears used to be normal and hot? Now she's a fucking mess.

Speaking of messes, my NCAA Bracket is a mess, and full of "shoulda" "coulda" "wouldas". One year I picked Maryland to win it all and they did, and I won third place and $158. Ever since then, I feel like I know what I am doing, despite the fact that I rarely watch college hoops during the regular season and pay attention to teams outside the Big East/ACC even less.

I see some people on the Internet have perfect brackets, and my only question is, how the fuck do they do that? I feel like they can go back in time like Biff in "Back to the Future II?" and they looked up all of the sports scores and returned to the present time to bet for a living. I don't know how else you can explain it. It actually isn't that amazing this year, where more higher seeds than not are winning. But people do it every year, even when there are a slew of upsets. I don't get it. These people should fucking gamble for a living, if they don't already.

Then I think about what I would do if I went in the future, and Biff was a 100% right, getting a sports almanac and bringing it back to the present would be the smartest fucking thing to do. Of course, I don't think I would tell ANYONE about it. I would move to Vegas, get a suite at the Palms and maybe (a big maybe) go on those betting shows and make predictions (a la Matthew McCaughney in that dumb movie with Al Pacino - the name escapes me, oh yeah, "Two for the Money" A dumb movie made worse by a retarded title). But I would probably avoid the publicity and just straight up gamble for a living, fuck helping others.

I see it going one of two ways if I had this magical book. Well, first things last, I would have to be careful, because I could see Michael J. Fox or somebody like him trying to steal my fucking sports book. Although, in reality I doubt MJ Fox would do it. However, I would have no choice but to ban Michael J. Fox from the Palms, just in case. (This would include any Parkinson's Disease Benefits there).

Anyway, the first of the two ways I see this going is that I would basically hole up in my suite at the Palms and go on binges. I would end up drinking, doing coke, banging countless whores, etc. I wouldn't even have to watch the games because I would know who won. People would say, "Mr. Kenney, how do you know so much about gambling when you don't watch sports?" And I would reply, "Shut the fuck up you stupid whore, now get me some coke!" Basically, I would just sit in my suite and have no friends and just spend money until they found my bloated, decomposing body surrounded by coke and drug paraphernalia and empty whiskey bottles in the bathroom with self-inflicted gun shot wound to the head.

The second way to go about it would be to move to Vegas, get a suite and just place sports bets and train to become a professional PlayStation player. If I make enough money gambling I could train for a few years on the PlayStation circuit. After losing the Madden Championship year after year I would turn to the bottle. Because no bookie would take my bets anymore (because I always won), I would be left to simply entering every NCAA Bracket I knew of in order to make money to survive, but alas, other people would be perfect in their brackets (did they have access to my magic book? I'll never know... did fucking Michael J Fox got to me somehow?) so I wouldn't win that much money. That would lead to me losing my suite at the Palms, drinking more and eventually to the police finding my bloated, decomposing body in a cardboard box in an alleyway off the Strip, surrounded by empty whiskey bottles with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

Either way, this magical book would likely mean my downfall. Another downside to this special book would be that I would be able to look into the future for Jets/Mets World Championships and know when they were going to win/not win them. It would take the fun out of being a fan I think. (However, by then I would be so addicted to coke and whores I wouldn't even probably root for any team).

Soooooo, it seems like having a sports almanac from 2050 wouldn't be all that it's cracked up to be, for me at least. I like to watch games and not know the outcome, especially because I am not a professional gambler. In closing, I think that we should send Michael J. Fox out to investigate these people with perfect NCAA brackets, because something isn't right there...

12 comments:

Unruly Jets Fan said...

I was thinking this the other night when we were at dinner, "If that fucking Fakehead kid was not married and gay I would make love to that son of a bitch." Ehem, Actually I was thinking that you were a funny guy. You should post more.

I actually laughed at loud when you said "Shut the fuck up and get me some more coke!" That is a classic.

A heard a smart guy say one time, the more money you have the more your character defects show. So you must have a lot of money Fakehead.

At any rate, look at what happened to Anna Nicole Smith. She fought to have all that money and look what happened to her.

It makes you think, what the fuck are we working so hard for? I really feel I would be much more contented coaching 8th grade basketball or something.

Anonymous said...

If you had such a sports almanac I don't think it would be called 'gambling' any more, it would be just betting. You know who wins.

I think that you should bet a lot but make bad bets on purpose for one reason or another. Keep a flashy, yet modest life but stow away millions all the time in a secret Swiss bank account and then just take off. Find the best whores in the world.

Rich people only go down when they are doing coke, ever notice that? That's why one stays away, take just one lesson from Tony Montana.

My bracket is all screwed up too, but I think I have a lot of 1 seeds. For some damn reason I thought Arknasas would enjoy a Cinderella run, but they lost the first game, doesn't bode well at all.

Why does every blog somehow have Fakehead killing himself in it? I, for one, think you will be murdered, not a suicide. It will be like Nick Nolte and Bob DeNiro in Cape Fear. You will get a Max Keady-type of crazy rapist-stalker who you bury some evidence against (even though he's your client), he does 15-years taking it up the ass from Bubba and LeCharles, the he comes back just to mess with you. Finally, he murders you in some alley in Las Vegas and you won't even decompose over the week you left laying out there, because it's so hot and dry. Your mummifying remains are discovered by an animal control officer noticing a mangy mutt chewing on something.

That Future Sports Book would piss you off anyway, then you would see all the Giants Championships in the future and Eli Manning's induction into the Hall of Fame. So you would probably tear it all up, thus saving your own life!

Why will riches make you go into a downward spiral? What if you went and bought a NFL team? Then life would be fun all the time! Hire Unruly and Mookster to handle the day-to-day business and then fire them when they fuck up and shattering lifelong friendships. So I guess anyway you get rich it just ends up bad. Who woulda thunk that staying poor is the key to happiness?

Unruly Jets Fan said...

I was wondering who anomynous was until he said Eli Manning was going into the Hall of Fame.

Figgy you almost fooled us!

I am thinking of having SportsBook as a sponsor on this site. Do you guys think that is a good idea? If so I can make it happen like that.

fakester said...

I would never bury evidence against my client, because if he gets off my rep as a criminal defense attorney improves. The worse the criminal that walks the streets because of me, the better a lawyer I am! Nick Nolte was a pussy in Cape Fear.

Anyway, I'm ignoring the moral implications of doing what I do for a living, I'm already going to hell anyway.

I have to tell you though, I was laughing when I wrote his post. I crack myself up!

Go Jets!

fakedead said...

Oh, and my body would totally decompose in that heat! There would be maggots coming out of my dried up eyesockets, it would be gross. They would have to identify me through my tats and dental records. That is, if wild dogs didn't rip apart my body by the time they find my remains.

fakedead said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Overfloater said...

I didn't know you had a tattoo. Is it of Eric Dickerson in big goggles on your ass?

Or maybe it says, "I am going to Hell" down your left forearm.

Anonymous said...

It is on his dick. And it says, "I Am." And when he looks at Playgirl Magazine it says, "I Am Gay!".

Fakehead said...

Wow, you are giving me the benefit of the doubt that "Gay" would fit! Thanks so much!

Anonymous said...

We are talking size 5 font. Sorry, I forgot to mention that.

Fakehead said...

Dude, the tattoo actually says:
"I am Gay, like happy gay, not fag gay"
If you want to see it I will show you anytime, sailor.

Fakehead said...

Over I have two tats, you didn't know that? I'm getting a third one day soon. Hopefully before April 9, and it looks like my trial is getting adjourned. I'll know more as the week approaches.

Fakehead, out.