Today I lost a big account. It hurt, it really hurt. It still hurts. It is a major set back. And it apparently has some sort of company wide implications as the higher ups had budgeted using the revenue for that account. So it hurts and feels like shit all at the same time.

But in the big scheme of things, it doesn't matter. But it hurts and feels bad all the same. I found out I lost this account this morning, so I had all day to think about it. And not just about losing the account, but I thought about everything. About my job. About my life. About living in this state. About our country. About the Sudan. About Iraq. About North Korea. About Spanish people. About the world. About the universe. About God. About American Idol. About my plans for our Jets website. About playing tackle football on Sunday mornings. About my crazy poems that I have stored away. About the book I always wanted to write.

I thought about quitting life. And it is not that I want to quit life really. What I really want is to be in life more. I think I do at least. You know, if you think really hard you can really see why people go crazy. I might have done too much thinking today. What I really want to do is stand in front of a crowd of people and discuss topics that I am an expert on. And I want to get paid $5,000 a session. And they have to pick up the air fare and the hotel while I stay there.

I say $5,000 because I feel that is a fair rate. I don't want to be greedy. I also think it would be cool to help out some poor people in India. I know a group that has gone there and the people love to sing songs at night around the camp fire. They could do it for hours. So you can sing like, "This little light of mine..." over and over and the locals will love it. And I heard that due to their Cass (or cast or whatever it is called) the light skinned Indians are higher up the chain. And white people are like gods. So if a white person touches a dark skinned Indian, it makes that Indian feel great that such a privileged person would associate with such scum of the earth. I would touch all the dark skinned people all the time. Because, what do I care.

But I also thought about starting a men's flag football league today. I was thinking back to my years of spending Sunday mornings at my parents house on the phone trying to round up guys to play that day. And I loved it. It was a time that I was truly happy. And I think I could probably pull it off. But then I tell myself that I would probably not make any money doing it. But then I feel bad that I feel I have to make money at everything I do. But I say to myself it is only worth my time if I can make a few extra bucks doing it. Then I feel bad again.

I really thought about how there is all the crazy shit going on in the world today. The chances are really great that there will be some sort of a smart bomb or whatever going off in a mall or even in downtown Manhattan in the next few years. So what the fuck, why not start the football league? If I am going to be killed, I might as well be doing something I enjoy.

When you really let yourself think, all sorts of stuff flies through. Today I was thinking to myself, 'Why do all black people name their kids normal names and spell them wrong?' Like Kevan Barlow of the Jets. Or Jordin whatever the fuck her name is from American Idol. I know an African American couple that named their kid Fill instead of Phil. If black people want to be different with their kids names they should stick with Keyshawn or Laquisha or whatever. But as I was thinking of this I had a flashback of when I had to write down my son's name for his birth certificate just after he was born.

I had the pen in my hand and the social worker standing impatiently waiting for me to fill out the paper at the hospital. I felt the pressure of a sinking U-boat. "How the fuck to you spell Benjamin? Ben-jer-man." I sounded out. "Is their an R in that name? Is it Benjiman? Is there a MAN at the end?" I couldn't beleive it! I didn't think this part would have been left up to me. I look at my wife and she is out cold from giving birth. "Why don't you just put Ben? You know how to spell that." I finnally had to tell the social worker lady that I was blanking on the spelling and that it had been a long day and would appreciate if she would be so kind as to help a brother out with some spelling.

It hit me today, that these African American men who have these babies go through the same thing. Except they don't have the balls to ask the social worker for a little spelling help.

As for the world coming to an end in our lifetime. It will. But I am not willing that to happen or anything. I was looking at my 4 year old boy the other day and thought to myself that this little guy will probably be in the Middle East in 15 years. I might be right there with him. Who knows. Actually, if he does go, I am going too.

But the world is so fucked up. Washington is so corrupt. I am not even proud to be an American these days. There is so much to worry about like trans fats, suicide bombers, child predators, cancer, heart attacks, root canals, etc.

So I feel I am having a bit of an epiphany. My Jets website will be underway soon. And I think I am also going to start that football league next Fall too. Who cares if I make any money doing those things. I need to start to have fun. Maybe I will break out my crazy poems and mail them to people anonymously. Perhaps I will start that book and title it, "Why We Will Witness The End of the World in our Lifetime. Who the hell knows, maybe I will have another kid and name him Apple Jax.

I don't know fellas. Life is short. Remember laughing our asses off in grade school and being sent to the hall with our desks? I remember laughing a laugh that I haven't laughed since then. Why is everything so fucking serious? It is not me. I am not this serious. Maybe outwardly I am, but inwardly I don't fucking care. So guess what? All fucking three of you are going to be getting some weird shit coming to your mailboxes and I will deny it to the death if confronted.

I hope you enjoyed this blog.

PS: What are your mailing addresses?


The Overfloater said...

Hey Buddy, it happens to us all. It's your turn around the Merry-go-round-of-shit. My Dad likes to say that 'shit is not distributed equally in life.' Just ask Faker.

In India it is called a 'caste' system, and that means no matter how hard you work you will always be in your social class. So if you are a Dark Indian but smart as hell, the dumb lighter ones will still spit on you.

I can see you arriving in India as the blond savior. Or perhaps it will be more like Cortes and the Aztecs. You blue-eyed devil. One thing is for sure, you will have a billion people at your disposal, the bad part is that they all smell bad.

I was all stressed with my job at Denver Human Services in the Fall, then my girl's mom had a massive, massive brain aneurysm/stroke and was in a coma for 34 days. I will never forget that first night, though, Sept. 20th, and seeing her laying there in the emergency room like she was dead with her eyes still open, tongue hanging out. My girl and her sister leaning over her body crying and begging her not to leave. I wanted to be the one dying, or wanted to run away. But I didn't. I stood there and weathered the storm, helped my girl through that tough month of a bed-side death watch. It tore my motherfucking heart out. I can benchpress close to 300lbs. but I couldn't do a damn thing about this.

Then she woke up right before Halloween. Then I got a better job in a different department of the City. Marie (kim's mom) was with us at our Super Bowl party.

My point is that life will give you the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. It is in the hard times that we see all the negative in the world, the impending doom or our own creation, such as a dirty bomb or whatever.

But when you are in full pursuit of a Fakehead in a Jets jersey carrying a pigskin on the Gazebo lawn, that is the moment in which you are higher than ever. Caught in the splendor of the moment playing the sport you love with your buddies. Man, you would love the league I've been playing in for the last four Fall seasons, though we play on Saturdays because the NFL games start at 11 out here (2 hours behind you guys). Even got lucky once and Rick Reilly from Sports Illustrated stopped by and asked if he could play. That was my favorite day ever. Rick was a gamer. He played QB at first against us and was actually running a no-huddle to get us all tired! I switched off my man to rush the passer, pinned my ears back and put Rick on his ass. Then he tried to play O-lineman and I just beat the crap out of him. I was sooooooo wanting an article about it, but no luck.

And Colorado is full of people who just want to work enough to play. Careers are important, but a lot of people (especially in the mountains) just work whatever job or jobs to get by and have fun dominate their lives. You work to live, not live to work. But NJ is way more intense and competitive, you have to compete for the littlest space, commuting, living, etc. Its the rat race. Still, I can see myself returning, or not. Maybe I can take this Masters of Public Administration and all this civic work here and get a job back there, but the State of NJ seems immeasurably fucked financially right now.

So Unruler, hang in there, sure enough some good luck will come along, or you might land another big account with someone you had not done business with before. Just like the guy who pulled out from your company has to go somewhere else to do his business, someone else will tire of their current deal and switch to your company, you just don't know when.

And yes, I remember you delinquents having to sit in the hallway. I never had to though. I remember Fakehead being banished to Siberia in 7th grade and leaving signs around the class that said, 'this way to Siberia'. And I remember helping the Unruliest of Jet Fans through Sophmore year History with Finfrock. Wait a minute, Faker were you in that class? Oh no, you were in my freshman year World History class with Bodnar. And the seniors would walk by and yell 'BK!' as loud as they could, your brother and his homies. I bet you thought you were famous because of that. Or that time Uruly, myself and Adams met after first period on the lawn between A, B and C buildings one morning wondering where the Faker was. It turned out he drove to Washington DC with no license that day and had to call his Dad and ask for directions out of the city or something. That same blue car we used to drive around the neighborhood and Florham Park before we were licensed.

Unruly said...

Oh man, you made me laugh Over. Thanks for the cheering up. I am still walking around here like my dog died.

I sort of remember Faker driving all way down to DC. Faker was a total spaz back then. We weathered a hell of a storm with him and his antics. You could look at him the wrong way and he would fly to Alaska out of spite.

But I always knew he would come out of it. But some of his antics were funny. Like the time he took up smoking. At any rate, I am serious about some of the things I have been talking about.

OK, smell ya later.

Anonymous said...

Dude, I smoked for three days, it didn't take.

Unruly, I'm sorry about the account man, that blows. Not much else to say. My brother-in-law (TBone) lost his job yesterday, he's got three kids. Life just fucking kills you sometimes. But unfortunately, you just have to deal. I wish I could crawl into a hole somedays, but then where would my kid be? Now, more than ever, it is impossible to give up or give in. People depend on you, whether it be girlfriends, wives, kids, brothers, sisters, whoever. The world doesn't stop for anyone, and sometimes that is a harsh fact to deal with. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier.

As for your theory about the world ending, I hope you're wrong, but only for kid's sake. I sure as hell don't want anything to happen to him when I'm around. That includes him going off to war or whatever. Uncertainty is a bitch though, and we can only hope and pray for the best.

As for you mailing shit, Unruly, do you recall when I was moving, found an old card you sent me and gave it to one of my assistant prosecutor buddies and that guy gave it to the major crimes unit to be dusted for prints because he thought he was being threatend because your card to me was so fucked up? The day I almost got fired, that's how I remember that day. Looking back at it now, it was pretty fucking funny, and you didn't even know about it until days later. Your highjinks carried on without you being there.

Yeah, we had some awesome times when we were younger. Some days, I wish I could do it all over again. And you're right, whether it's playing football or playing baseball (which, I am luckily still able to do part-time at least) there is something about playing sports with your buddies and having fun. I think you should start a flag-football league man, you can make money if you do it right, trust me. The guy who runs my baseball league lives off it, he makes insane amounts of cash. But that is all he does, it's a job.

Anyway, try to cheer up man. I know work blows today and you feel like shit. And it's easy for me to say, but there are people who are worse off than you. You have two great kids, friends, you still have a job, and think of all the shit you have to look forward to with those kids. They are going to be funny motherfuckers just like you. I laugh everyday at something my boy does. The kid is a weirdo, just like his dad. Luckily we live close to Ridgedale School in case he decides to walk out of his basketball practice in a blizzard.

As for my trip to DC, that was pretty nuts. I was on my way to see my brother in Tennessee. Luckily, I figured DC was enough. Goddamn I was a good driver when I was 16.

Anyway, Figgy/Over is right, life gives you the good, bad and ugly. You have to roll with the punches. Not to be more depressing, but having just seen "United 93" and remembering the events of 9-11, think about the people who were on that plane and worried about their jobs, lives, etc., and then they find out their plane has not only been hijacked but is destined to end up as a missle. Granted, it is extraordinary circumstances, but it shows that you never know what is going to happen, and you can sit back and let life fuck you over or you could try to do something about it and make a difference.

Alright, I have to get back to fucking work! My only advice to Unruly, start a blog and post your poetry, (which got me through final exams at law school), and if you start a football league, I'm in.


Unruly Jets Fan said...

Wow, my blog must have been pretty depressing. Actually, I have been depressed all day. I can't shake it.

I will, but I am sort of reveling in it for whatever reason. I loved that line about walking out of basketball practice in a blizzard.

Yeah, we did have good times as kids. I guess you can't go backwards though.

Everytime I played CYO basketball I always had like massive diaria. I would ask the coach if he would not put me in because I was affraid I would explode on the court.

At any rate, I am not going to kill myself, basically for the kids.

Hey on that note, my daughter said she likes your kid and she knows who he is bc he has a "cute head". Very fitting for the son of Fakehead. But I made her call you to tell you but she chickened out when I dialed the number (a la the fucked up message you got last week).

Smell ya!

fakey said...

I was meaning to call you and ask you about that but I have been fucked at work so I haven't had the chance. That's funny man.

No wonder you never excelled at CYO, you were too busy holding in the brown river. Luckily you don't have that problem when you play football.

Dude, if you do decide to kill yourself, make sure you do it in spectaular fashion. None of that car in the garage stuff. You should jump off a building or something. I forget whether it was a show or something, but what would be hilarious if you threatened to kill yourself at work by jumping out the window and you work on the ground level. Then all of the police come and you are standing on the window ledge literally two feet off the ground. And they are like, "Don't jump!!" And then you say, "Okay, I won't" and you just step down off the ledge onto the ground. That would be funny.

But seriously man, don't kill yourself.

If I ever killed myself I think I would jump off a bridge. If you jumped off the GWB you would probably pass out before you hit the water. That wouldn't be so bad. I definitely wouldn't want to drown, or hang myself. The only other thing I would do is put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. But you better not fuck that up, or you could be stuck in the hospital with half a face. I don't think I would want to slit my wrists or whatever, it's too messy. That begs the question, if cutting your wrists is messy, what about blowing your head off? I think if you killed yourself by shooting yourself in the head, you would have to do it outside where it's easier to clean up. Unless, of course, you want to make a statement with your suicide. I don't know. I think in the end I would jump of the GWB. Although, that is pretty nuts. I think that a less public way would be to do the gun thing. Hmmmmmm... It's a crap shoot I guess. Unless anyone could point out a better way to off yourself, I would say jumping off a bridge or shooting yourself in the head is the way to go. Of course, to shoot yourself you need a gun, and that could take weeks to do legally. Plus, they are expensive. So, that leaves the cheap, fast way to kill yoursef, by jumping off a bridge. Granted, the car thing is painless, but you need a lot of time to do that, plus, who is going to want to use the car after the pull your body from it? At least you can take a cab to the GWB or ride a bike or something and then just walk over the bridge so you car remains uncreepy.

Anyway, don't take any advice from this info Unruly, just thinking about the best way to kill myself, not for you to kill yourself. Wow, we are really helpful over here at the Jets blog, aren't we? My first comment was the nice serious one, this comment is the funny "oh suicide is tricky" one.

Like that song about cocaine said, "Don't Do It!" (White lines or something? I don't know who sings it)

Gotta run!

Unruly said...

Whoa! Did you even read my blog Faker??? Who the hell is killing themselves? I mean my blog wasn't that depressing was it dude? I thought parts were funny. Did you read the part about Ben-jer-man. I laughed after I re-read it.

At any rate, for the record I am not going to kill myself nor am I even thinking about it.

Now will you excuse me while I call Suicide Prevention on you. Where are you by the way?

PS: That sucks for T-Bone!

Anonymous said...

I perched on top of the GWB with my laptop, waiting for the right moment ...

ha ha!

Just kidding!

I don't think you are suicidal dude, I thought your blog was funny. But look what happened to Oscar blog, it turned into a political debate in the comment section. Your blog turned into a suicide watch in the comment section.

I don't think you or I am going to kill ourselves. I was joking!

Peace out bizatch!

The Overfloater said...

Man, I saw a picture of a guy who used a table saw to kill himself. He cut himself in half, that has to be the worst idea ever.

Unruly Jets Fan said...

Dude you look at gruesome pics. Last year you sent a vid of some guy shooting himself in the head at the police station.

I still have nightmares about that. Dont send me the table saw picture.

OK, can we stop talking about suicide??? Did ya hear they are making another Ninja Turtle movie??? Anything else. I feel better now.

PS: Fakehead that was a funny visual of you on top of the GWB with your laptop, writing on this blog.

Anonymous said...

I never sent a picture of some guy killing himself! I wouldn't even know where to find that crap. Although, I'm sure it's pretty easy on the internet these days.

Maybe you're kidding.

Anyway, I may post a blog today, I'm fucked bored at work, and I just got here (11:14 am). Do I want to get fired? No. Should I be fired? Perhaps. I make up for it though, trust me.

Anonymous said...

Oh shit, I just saw Over's comment before your comment Unruly! I thought you were talking to me.
Yeah, I'm sure Over looks at fucked up shit on the net. I know Unruly just looks at porn (mostly Shemale porn from what I've heard).

Beat it!

Unruly said...

Dude you are a spaz. And there is nothing wrong with Shemales.

I literally still have nightmares from the video that Figgy sent me. But that is probably bc I watched it 52 times like some sort of psycho.

Anonymous said...

Currently it looks like Wordpress is the preferred blogging platform
available right now. (from what I've read) Is that what you're using on your

Look into my web blog ... wiki.crimson.net.nz

Blogger said...

Get daily suggestions and methods for making $1,000s per day ONLINE totally FREE.