Am I really talking about this? You bet your ass I am. (Plus there is no football this weekend).

Why would I want to do that?
One main reason - to abuse the hopelessly mentally disabled individuals who "audition" and get away with it.
What do I mean? Well, my wife watches this show and over the years I have gone to hating it with a passion to hating it with a purpose. First, there is no question that the show, to me, is fake. It's so contrived and rehearsed it is a joke. Even the alleged "voting" seems like bullshit to me, if I were a losing contestant I would subpoena the fucking voting records (it would be two monkeys in a back room picking a name out of an old school bingo machine). Second, something makes me love to hate this trash, and that something is the scope and depth of America's fascination with celebrity and the insanity and mental instablity that accompanies same.
I would say that 95% of the individuals that want to be the next "American Idol" are just attention-hungry whores that are looking for their 15 minutes of fame by being the most awful singer/dancer/human being during their "audition." Never mind the fact that people audition before they go before Simon, Randy and that fucking taco who sang "You're a cold hearted snake" and those three only see the people who Fox wants them to see to put on TV. These fucking people travel from all over the country to get on TV and make themselves look like gigantic asses. It's amazing. It speaks volumes as to how fucked up our society is.
The worse the singer, the more air time that person gets. The more fucked up or disrespectful or angry that person is, the more the camera will focus on them and wait for "what happens next." It encourages mental retardation in our Country.
Yes, I believe that 95% of the people who audition for American Idol have mental disabilities. Sure, maybe 5% think they can sing and aren't half bad at doing so. The rest are out of their minds and should be publicly beaten for being so fucking dumb and/or crazy.
That leads me to think that having Ryan Seacrest's or Simon Cowell's job would be one of the best jobs ever. Right now, Seacrest has his marching orders and is too much of a pussy (or maybe he doesn't have enough security) to really call those wackos out. Simon is the best part of the show when he abuses the awful contestants, but even he could go further. This is my favorite part of the show. I enjoy watching these mentally-challenged people get verbally assaulted. The problem is, after the assault and they say "Fuck you Simon" and storm out, they still act (or actually believe, which is scarier) that they are great singers and that none of the judges knew what they were talking about. And Fox loves that and they these people go on talk shows, get record deals (anyone remember William Hung? I hope he is dead by now, he probably died eating sushi and surrounded by young Japanese boys chained to his bed) and so and so on. One little psycho who recently auditioned and was told that he looked like a monkey by Simon was on the "Today" show saying how the judges were "too cruel". How come monkey boy can get away with saying that? I saw this cocksmoker sing and I'm sure he is a lot better at swallowing cum than singing. But even though he was the worst singer in the fucking universe, the fucking Today enables his bullshit and insanity by bringing on so he could talk about how poorly he was treated. Not that I have time to watch TV in the morning, but I'll never turn on the fucking Today show for as long as live from now on.
If this were a perfect world I would love Seacrest's job and I would ask people "Are you under the care of clinical professional" "What meds do you take?" "Do you realize you are too fat/ugly/ weird/stupid-looking etc. to be the American Idol?" "Do you know that America is not ready for a Asian/Middle-Eastern/Indian/Spanish American Idol and you'll never win?" "Do you really think you can sing and explain to me why?" "Tell me why you are a 'superstar' if nobody has heard of you and you don't earn a living by performing - and pennies in a hat on the street do not count." I could go on and on, but Seacrest doesn't get to see the idiots audition, so he can only go so far.
Simon sees the maniacs audition and really gets the chance to nail them. But it would be so much better if he could over the top. I would lay into them. I would curse at all of them if they sucked. For example: "You fucking suck." "Why don't you lose some weight you fat fuck, oh, and you fucking sucked." "Why don't you leave here, go home, and cut your fucking wrists because the world would be better off if you were dead." "I would rather be listening to the sounds of your family getting stabbed to death for supporting you and brining you into this world than you singing." Imagine how great that would be to see? Plus it would open up the fan base to more men. Granted, you lose the kid element but kids don't buy shit, their parents do. Start advertising porn on the commercials, and guns, and whorehouses in Las Vegas. Why protect children at this point? Is it worse to see a commercial for dildos or to see a flaming homosexual prancing around with a dead animal around his neck pretending to dance and sing while making anti-british, anti-immigration slurs and telling everyone to fuck off after he is told he sucks.
By making the worst of the worst famous (even if only for 10 minutes - that is all it takes for these people) it enables them to try again next year or be more insane on their auditions. What they should do is execute the worst ones or bring them into a side room and beat the living shit out of them. Then I bet you won't see as many fucking idiots show up to "audition." It would be great. Fox could make another reality show on right after "American Idol" called "American Beatings" It would be the most-watched show ever.
In the end, I think that I am just mad at myself that I watch and see how all of these people are so fucked up in their own heads. I cannot stand when people think they are better than they are or are so self-delusional that they cannot see that they suck at something. It drives me so insane! But it also drives me crazy that my wife got me to watch. I will never, ever believe that any reality show is real. THEY ARE ALL FAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING IS REAL (except for "Cops", because no cop would be stupid enough to do illegal searches on TV if it weren't really real, every cop would adhere to the US Constitution if it were a fake reality show).
That being said, that is the one good thing about sports. You can't fake it, you have to back it up. You can't just say, "I am great" and walk out of the gym and be on the news the next day saying how you were robbed at the try-out, because if you are that good another team would offer you a try-out. You can't stay famous if you start to suck. You can't start if you're not good. There is no mercy, there are no famous sports figures who didn't make the team, there is no William Hungs of the NFL. Either you are good and you play and you perform or you are sitting the bench, on the practice squad or sitting on your porch talking about how you ran for 104 yards against Par-Hills in 1992, drinking a beer and waiting for your fucking welfare check to arrive.
Random Notes:
I recently discovered the following blog site: http://overfloat.blogspot.com/ I can't believe I'm not on this site as a blogger. Do you guys not like to read the work "fuck"? I feel like I've been cheated on by all of you. Bastards.
Way to go Willie! I think he deserves some cash and it brings some stability to managerial position for some years to come so they can focus on the team. Go Mets!


Mookie McFly said...

There goes all the advertising dollars!

I refuse to watch any reality shows...the only two I ever saw more than two episodes of was Pleasure Island (because I like to jerk off) & Average Joe (on Spike?). The first I mentioned for obvious reasons but the other because I thought the premise of it being fake/staged was more real than all the others...I hate Survivor, Real World, Laguna Beach...if you are a real man come sit in my basement and refuse to watch this crap with your wife. If she divorces you than you can move into the basement but at least you will retain your dignity. Seriously, these shows actually kill more brain cells than doing nitrous while taking repeated kicks to the head. Watch the history channel and put a parental block on all channels from 2-11 and MTV.

Sports is the official and original Reality TV and it is the unchallenged champ...you hit the nail on the head with that one.

Besides the fact that I hate most English people (including everyone in their governement and royal family), I hate Simon the most (almost as much as that English cock sucker I hit in Ireland). He is a talentless crock so who is he...a record producer? To me that is like being a movie or book reviewer...You can't create so you critique. It's a joke that anyone watched these shows when they could be watching the NJ Nets lose to the Golden State Warriors in the final seconds...wait a second. What time is AI on? It might be a more productive way to waste a couple of hours afterall.

Anonymous said...

Record producers know something at least. If you produce somebody who sells records you are successful. Look at Rick Rubin, he is the man. I wonder how many times he got blowjobs from future nobodys for the promise of a record deal.

I agree that sports are the best reality show ever and that everything else is fake. MTV is the worst network in the universe, besides Al-Jezera, but I think they are both evil.

There are some good shows on channels 2-11 though, like "The Office" "24" and my new favorite show, "Friday Night Lights" Check out the movie Friday Night Lights, it is great (I think) and Peter Berg is involved in the production (there's that word again) of the show. The Shield, Sopranos and Extras wind down my other TV shows. There's not much. The Simpsons is no longer doing it for me, but it has flashes of brilliance. I always like catching the Family Guy and the occassional South Park as well. Other than that, non-sports TV blows.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, and you can criticize me for watching but my point is, American people are obsessed with celebrity! It is insane! Don't these people understand that bad celebrity is not something to be desired!

Mookie McFly said...

The British have it on us with their hero worship...why else do they still have royal family who does nothing but suck up their tax dollars?

I like most the shows that you listed...The office is good but the Ricky Gervais show was still better as far as I am concerned. I never watch live TV anymore. I am addicted to DVR. If it's not sports I see no reason to watch it live. Advertisers are wasting big bucks on me and the millions of others who use Tivo, direct TV or any digital cable subscribers with DVR. Ratings will eventually be a thing of the past and all the Nielsen household will have to find another way to be validated.

They could possibly critique our blog!

Unruly Jets Fan said...

I sometimes watch the Girls Next Door about Hef's girlfreinds for the same reason Mookie described above. However, it is so weird it actually backfires. And the sporty chick is such a dick I end of turning to old re-runs of Leave it to Beaver. Me and Mrs. Clever go way back.

Good blog you only said Fuck 19 times (I actually put it through Word's counter). All reality is fake, like you have indicated before. I dont like it when they do the crappy auditions. It gets old fast. I do like it when the singers make it. But they are too freaking good to be amatures.

Unruly Jets Fan said...

by the way: Big props to my main man Mookie McFly for his fast IT skillz. Thanks dude!

Anonymous said...

I agree that the BBC version of the Office was better. But I like the American version and I never thought I would. I guess my expectations were low, but it is pretty damn funny.

I'm surprised the advertisers are letting TiVo and DVR and all that shit get by without some sort of objections. Although I guess that is why there are 30 commercials before a movie starts. They will try anything.

I don't think an ad ever worked on me. I'd have to think about it. D

Unruly, you watch the Girls Next Door? Dude, save your self sometime and get the VS catalog, it's a lot less annoying.

Speaking of movies, do you and Gaddy want to see "Smoking Aces" on Sunday late af/early evening? I am drawn to this movie for some reason, I'm sure it will suck but Alicia Keyes looks hot with a gun.
Let me know.

The Overfloater said...

I have never watched that show or any other reality show in my life. I refuse. Actually, wait, I have seen a few episodes of American Chopper where they build cool motorcycles, and A&E's 'First 48' is the absolute coolest show on TV.

As for reality TV,.. Sports, baby. And our American sports are great because we bet lots of money and our corruption is low. In Europe, home teams don't lose...because if they do the referees stand a good chance of being killed by a mob. My pro basketball player co-worker told me stories of playing overseas and some crazy-ass shit going down in Hungary and Ukraine. He is scared as fuck of Russia. The seas part for the mobsters there.

Here's another true story, a cocaine cartel from Columbia went to Russia to buy some military equipment and weapons, this is after Communism collapsed, in the late 90's. No shit, he floated out the outrageous idea if they would sell them a submarine. The Russian didn't bat an eye and said, "With missiles or without them?" Holy fuck.

I want to see Letters From Iwo Jima

Brits worship celebrities big time, and they are so weird about it. They friggin love Monica Lewinsky. She's is making a killing over there.

His Grace said...

First, you anal sphincters watch WAY too much TV. GET A LIFE! How can you spend one fucking minute watching some other asshole's version of comedy, life, sex, it's ALL SHIT!

Spector is the only good record producer...he killed the chick. He sits there on Court TV looking like the twisted fag he is with that little smirk on his face.

I recommend that you all get a complete anthology of Shakespear and start reading. Read as if your lives depended on coming up with one good quote. Memorize it and spew the pearls of wisdom on whomever gets in your way. Vomit education on them. Drizzle your diarrea of knowledge all over their desk...only if they get in your way, of course.

His Grace said...

McFly said: "I hate most English people (including everyone in their governement and royal family), I hate Simon the most..."

And you ARE correct to hate most English people. They have that snootier than thou accent. I hate that! Now, the mutha fuckas are taking over all the advertising. The ad agencies think they can sell shit to a street bum as long as some English bitch pitches it! Crikey!